August 24th, 2020
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$5.00 | ~8 ghost dollars | ⭐25 coins
Does not include potential cost from surprise mechanics (they're not lootboxes so it's not illegal!!!), purchases from Shef Kerbi's Apparel or preordering the Special Edition
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Hey it's not Shef Kerbi woah
how do you use this software? It's written in ancient Dreem Lend runes I hope the shef translate for this is good by the way I'm not shef kerbi, I just managed to hack myself into the system also how do you do new lines I tried using \n since that's standard practice but the weird software doesn't accept it who wrote this i'm still hoping to get the news going just don't expect it to be that good ok? also a lot of this news might be super old I don't know I was just told to go in here and get the... is that moss on the server?
UNIVERSE CHANGE LOG 1.8.4
The universe was recently updated to version 1.8.4. Here is the change log:[nL]
- Added a new item called "brakes" that go in cars[nL]
- Dogs now bark 10% louder[nL]
- Added a fifth pluto[nL]
- Removed piñata necromancy skill tree[nL]
- Dogs were deemed too loud so we made their barking 10% quieter[nL]
- Adjusted price of beef to sell higher[nL]
- Readded orange juice[nL]
- Readded too much orange juice[nL]
- Added orange juice tidal waves[nL]
- Increased chicken sight radius[nL]
- Increased caterpillar squishiness[nL]
- Spiders can now properly dual wield guns[nL]
- Slightly increased millipede flight speed[nL]
FINALLY SOME GAMES
As of lately Dreemlenders have been getting ready to step into the shoes of Cod Johnson once more as the much anticipated game Cod 2: The Walleye's Not Good finally releases for the Shefbox Series S. The game takes place after the events of Cod 2: Don't Call Me Junior and so far received high praise from critics, such as a "10/10" from Funny Fake Review Man and a "this isnt call of duty snata why" from John Gameman. [nL]
With the current steady stream of games being produced for the Shefbox Series S, Shef Kerbi Gane Studios predicts that it'll be possible to say the system has games around the beginning of 2021.
HAVE YOU SEEN THIS CHEESE?
A new item has been added to Shef Kerbi's Apparel in the form of a poster. [nL]
I don't really have anything else to add here. Feel free to give me more quotes though.
FAMOUS KITTEH GOES MISSING
Kerbi City's famous Random Kitteh has just go missing. He was last seen trying to eat a birb. This poster has been stuck on random walls all across Kerbi City: [nL]
Okay I hope I've got this advertisement configured correctly:
CANADA YEETED INTO OUTER SPACE
A Thanos-like figure has appeared in the city of Vancouver, Canada, Earth. It then skydived and T-posed at the same time into the pacific ocean, sending Canada hurtling toward the andromeda galaxy at over 9000 miles per hour. All of this is happening in Earth's universe and Canada will not somehow enter the Dreem Lend universe.
BIGGEST DREEM LEND LAMB SAUCE COMPANY FILES FOR BANKRUPTCY
Baa Inc., a company based in Green Geans which makes lamb sauce and makes sure famous earth chef Gordo Ransey (who's tour with Shef Kerbi of earth was cancelled) gets enough lamb sauce, has just gone bankrupt. Two weeks ago, over 50,000 sheep boycotted fields owned by Baa Inc, and they lost all their stonks. We interviewed one of the sheep and this is what they replied:
Gordo has not commented about Baa Inc's bankruptcy.
QUICK BEFORE THEY GET TO THIS ONE!
A news repairman has recently gone on the loose, preventing news from being broken everywhere "and not because we've totally run out of ideas." Police have attempted to post a report to help others identify the repairman and get them arrested multiple times but the repairman managed to fix their report before they could break it.
Scientists are currently predicting that all news in the world will be fixed by the repairman on the moment Shef Kerbi ends.
microsoft unveils ms paint 2
recently, microsoft overlord ill bgates said that the company had plans to compete with valve's half-life alex by developing ms paint 2. I got the chance to talk to mr bgates about the company's plans for the new game. here's my interview!
me: hi mr bgates got a minute to talk about ms paint 2?
mr bgates: who are you? how did you get in my house at 2 am?
me: oh sorry I'm an interviewer
mr bgates: oh okay. so what do you want to know?
me: so you said you were taking on the success of valve's half-life alyx. does that mean you're making a vr version?
mr bgates: how do you know about ms paint vr? we weren't supposed to unveil that until after we conquered the world
me: uh I didn't I'm just asking
mr bgates: my bad sorry. uh, no, ms paint 2 isn't vr supported. we want to expand the core base of ms paint while innovating with brand new features.
me: what sort of features are you thinking of adding?
mr bgates: ms paint has always had a strong following since it was first released. we noticed it was very popular around the time of windows xp, so we want to try and bring back some of what made it so exciting back then.
me: interesting. I drew a yin-yang symbol once in ms paint on xp. it was very cool. can I do that in ms paint 2?
mr bgates: yes.
me: can I draw a smiley face in ms paint 2?
mr bgates: yes.
me: can I draw myself in ms paint 2?
mr bgates: yes.
me: can I draw ms paint 2 in ms paint 2?
mr bgates: yes.
me: can I have all your money?
mr bgates: ye- ahhhhhhh, you nearly got me there!
me: ahhh, darn, so close. but anyways, the fans want to know - will ms paint add any new gameplay modes?
mr bgates: absolutely. we recognize ms paint usually gets passed up for other games when people feel like there's not enough to do. so we'll be tweaking some of the features and adding some new ones in.
me: can you tell me one of the new features?
mr bgates: I can't say much but there will definitely be a battle royale mode. 99 ms painters will battle for complete control of mirkosoft wandows. the winner will get credits they can use to unlock new items.
me: how interesting! so does this mean you're shifting away from a single-player experience?
mr bgates: no, there will definitely be singleplayer features in the game. in fact, we're adding a whole new story mode. it's still highly in development, but you can play as one of up to 25 characters.
me: can I draw these characters in ms paint 2?
mr bgates: yes.
me: nice. so you released paint 3d as well. why do you not consider that game to be ms paint 2?
mr bgates: is it called ms paint 2?
me: no it's called paint 3d obviously
mr bgates: well there you go
me: I see
mr bgates: anyways, I should probably go to sleep. but since you're here, would you like some pasta?
me: I don't know, pasta isn't as good after like eight hours since it's been boiled
mr bgates: actually I've been up all night cooking pasta non-stop. I have eighty-three pounds of cooked pasta in my refrigerator.
me: oh, okay!
the pasta was very good. anyways so that's the release! I am personally very excited for ms paint 2. microsoft said to stay tuned for more updates, and if you don't see any, to continuously e-mail tim cook about why the iphone x is dumb and the windows phone is good. thanks for reading!
UNICODE ANNOUNCES LAVA EMOJI, VOLCANO ERUPTS AT EXACT SAME TIME
Unicode has just announced a emoji for lava to be released next year. However, at the same time, Mount Ebbot erupted in Dreem Lend. All the ash and dust later fell on the under-construction sandwich shop in Burlington. The remains of the construction site later exploded when someone tried to use Flex Tape to repair part of the building. Phel Sweeft replied in response to this,
Construction of the sandwich shop is intended to resume when Keynsun DDDO cleans Burlington's very dusty town clock, so none of the clock dust can destroy it again.
Now I don't wanna give my own opionion but...
OPIONION WITH SHEF KERBI
ok one question go
yo why is this computer still on npm version 2 that's so old
you could try
wait this was meant to be a comment chain? looks like the old shef translator let me down again with the runes again.
hey it's that guy, I said one question though
The long sought after planet, Popstah, was finally discovered this morning by a private scout team hired by the Lucien Alliance. Though the planet is rich with life, the Emperor has stated that He will not be sending any troops to the planet. The Emperor has also stated that the planet shall henceforth be known as 'Jinx'."
"What?! But it's a stupid name! What if some idiot on the news says it? I'll be mocked forever after all!"
"Everyone knows 'Lucius' and 'Alliance'," the Emperor says with a sigh. "I don't see what the problem is."
"The problem is, they'll make fun of me!"
"No, the problem is you're stupid," the Emperor replies. "Go away, NOW! Go play with your action figures or something. I have work to do."
GUNS GUNS GUNS
The first shots in what is to become a series of skirmishes on the distant planet, Murk were fired today. Two private mercenary groups clashed on the planet, though neither group was from the Empire. Both groups were reportedly made up of ruthless criminals and were fighting for a handful of money and power. Neither group was working for the Empire.
One group, lead by the ruthless bandit leader known as the Troll, was attempting to hold onto their traditional and stolen weapons that they had been issued when hired. These traditionalists are expected to win, as they have the support of the public, who like their familiar weapons, though many would prefer to use an Empire issued weapon.
The other group, lead by a man known as the Beast, was attempting to use their immense technological advantage to gain control of the entire planet. They reportedly had hired out their services to both the criminal factions and various warlords in the hopes of turning the planet into a technological powerhouse that could offer a better front to the Empire.
The public is torn on which group they prefer, as they were equally matched. The Beast has the advantage of being on the Empire's list of most wanted criminals, but the Troll has the traditionalists support.
All eyes are on this conflict to see which group will win. The Troll reportedly has more advanced weapons, but that won't mean anything if he can't make enough of them to replace his lost arms and legs. The Beast reportedly has more powerful weapons, but without the support of the people they'll fall quickly.
1. The government has made a decision to lift all taxes on goods and services effective immediately.
2. The US has announced they will not be charging any tariffs on any goods imported from the island.
3. The government has lifted all exchange controls and lowered the minimum wage to boost the economy.
4. Pope Castus is coming to the planet. Get excited, Xenos
5. Due to a large amount of idiots trying to register Blue Sun as their Green Sun Energy Company, you've had to change the name.
6. Due to a large amount of idiots trying to register Green Sun as their Red Sun Energy Company, you've had to change the name.
7. Due to a large amount of idiots trying to register Red Sun as their Yellow Sun Energy Company, you've had to change the name.
8. Due to a large amount of idiots trying to register Yellow Sun as their Blue Sun Energy Company, you've had to change the name.
9. Due to a large amount of idiots trying to register Blue Sun as their Orange Sun Energy Company, you've had to change the name.
10. Due to a large amount of idiots trying to register Orange Sun as their Red Sun Energy Company, you've had to change the name.
Operator's Note: This continues indefinitely. As far as I am aware the The New News Generation Machien is still lowering the global IQ in order to get people to confuse sun energy companies.
We have received reports that, recently, someone ate a hotdog. This is a groundbreaking discovery, and scientists all over the globe are trying to figure about the mysteries surrounding it. So far, we have determined that their's maybe possibly a chance of there being some ketchup on the hotdog, probably. Stay tuned for moren't info.
SUN COMPANIES PURCHASED BY CARMES INC
The Sun companies from the TNNGM's report have been purchased by Carmes Inc to prevent everyone from being confused. They will make sure they will no longer confuse anyone anymore.
PRECURE SELENE's IDENTITY REVEALED
PreCure Selene, famous anime character who is co-CEO of Anime Cosmetics Inc, has just had someone given away their secret identity.
A Carmes Inc employee found this image near Carmes' office in the Carmes Inc building:
They then found out that Selene is actually called 'Kaguya Madoka'. Since anime characters speak Japanese, it is a Japanese Name.
PreCure Selene commented, saying:
PreCure Selene's outfit later magically disappeared, revealing that she is Kayuga. This was her reaction:
SOCIAL DISTANCING FORCEFIELD INVENTED
A Social Distancing forcefield has just been invented by Carmes Inc. Also, the portal to Earth has re-opened, but the forcefield is required to go to Earth. It has been approved in 37 countries, including the recently-yeeted Canada.
CarmesMoji has been scrapped, as Dreemtronix now allows their emojis to be used outside of Dreemtronix computers and phones. All proposed CarmesMoji emojis, such as Carmes, PreCure Selene, Crashed Computer, Salad with and without Egg and Cereal with and without milk, will be implemented for Dreemtronix emojis, bringing the total Dreemtronix emojis to 42,496.
BUILDINGS ACROSS DREEM LEND EXPLODE
38% of all building in Dreem Lend have exploded at random times over the past week, and is expecting to rise. A note by whatever is claiming to have made the explosions saying that all buildings will be restored when Shef Kerbi decides to exist again and when Issue 44 of Shef Kerbi News Network is released.
SEARCH PARTY CONDUCTED TO FIND SHEF KERBI
Keyn DDDD has sent 20,000 random people to search every atom of Plantet Poppstah to find any trace of Shef Kerbi. Shef Kerbi has not been seen for months. The reason Keyn DDDD sent them was to make sure that Shef Kerbi News Network Issue 44 is released.
FLYING SPACECRAFT "CANADA" TO TAKE OVER UNIVERSE
"Sorry, it happens, eh," one Canadian explains, "Our Prime Minister's fault really." The country of Canada, once thought to be a country, has now been repurposed into a space traveling war machine, reportedly fueled by "all the stereotypes others make about us." While currently constructing giant lasers that smell faintly of maple and planning to have meese operating the weapons, the spaceship Canada hopes that the universe will surrender peacefully on account of No Hard Feelings. We tried to arrange an interview with the Prime Minister, but only managed to get this message: "KNOOKLES GETS UNIVERSE SJHFIWKJAUDUFJWHNVOXP"
by Keynsun DDDO
Solve this equation:
I don't actually think anyone's done this for the report
Yeah let me just check the weather on my phone real quick
So apparently today it's going to be 24º maximum and 7º minimum, my phone is set to celsius by the way and tomorrow it's going to be 21º and 8º and it'll be raining okay cool done how do I publish
THANK YOU FOR WATCH. PLEASE TUN E IN NEXT TIME FOR MORE NESW
Shef Kerbi News Network follows the guidelines and conventions set by the 1984 High Quality News Act of Dreem Lend, which states that any news published is to be of a high quality, is to remain unbiased and to show all sides of a news report, does not attack anyone, and protects the privacy of people whose identities don't want to be revealed.
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