Episode 39

30th December, 2019

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"No one:
Santa: *I'm yeet that powerline bruh*"

$5.00 | ~8 ghost dollars | ⭐25 coins
Does not include potential cost from surprise mechanics (they're not lootboxes so it's not illegal!!!), purchases from Shef Kerbi's Apparel or preordering the Special Edition


written by Arceus Equinox

The SKNN staff wishes you a Hapy Holadeys this Chsrtmas Season

written by Carmes

A portal museum containing lots of portals, including ones to places such as Earth, Mirror Dreem Lend and the Pokémon World has opened. Only staff can use the portals currently, although someone under the name of 'Arceus Equinox' came through from the portal from the Pokémon world and went directly to SKNN's headquarters.

written by Apple the Cat

Unicode is being accused of having an extreme bias after their failure to add "BOWL OF BREAKFAST CEREAL WITHOUT MILK" to their ever expanding library of officially supported icons. Here's what the Unicode guy had to say in an interview with AT&DC:

Mark Davis: Uh, is this going to be in the interview?
Apple: I don't know.
Mark Davis: Uh, alright.
Apple: So, uh, how do respond to these allegations?
Mark Davis: What allegations?
Apple: Allegations of you being biased against people who eat cereal without milk.
Mark Davis: Oh. I thought this was about the lack of a green skin modifier. I was just talking to some guy about that.
Apple: Alright.
Mark Davis: Uh, well... they certainly exist. Look, we at Unicode really try our best to make people happy. And we like adding icons of significance. However, we feel that the group of people who eat cereal without milk is too, uh, minuscule, to be represented?
Apple: So what you're saying is that you don't want to represent minority gro-
Mark Davis: No, don't take it the wrong way! I just mean that we don't feel that the absence of milk in cereal is something people should really, you know. Care about? This much?
Apple: Mhm?
Mark Davis: You see, uh, Google doesn't even show any milk in the "BOWL OF BREAKFAST CEREAL" emoji. I feel like we should really just agree that people, uh, like cereal.
Apple: So, uh-
Mark Davis: Yes, we at Unicode want to bring cereal eaters together.
Apple: Well, that's interesting, because this person here on Twitter believes otherwise.

Mark Davis: Okay, first off, that tweet has three likes.
Apple: And?
Mark Davis: Also, I think they're talking about the skin tone thing.
Apple: Alright.
Mark Davis: What are you even writing down?
Apple: I'm not writing, I'm just drawing Trogdor the Burninator.
Mark Davis: What?
Apple: Uhh... this topic raises new and troubling questions, Mark, do you have anything you want to tell the epic gamers at home?
Mark Davis: Emojis were a mistake.
Apple: Alright.

written by CrazeePi's Disembodied Voice

Recently, it was discovered that Thanos Cat was defeated a few weeks ago when somebody at Mojang accidentally coded bees wrong, causing bees to wrongly recognize Thanos Cat as a bee hive and fly up Thanos Cat's butt. This promptly caused Thanos Cat to explode as the bees were too large to fit inside Thanos Cat's butt, killing and respawning him while making him drop the Infishity Gauntlet.

Thankfully, this means Thanos Cat couldn't have caused the disappearances. Unfortunately though, the bee who exploded Thanos Cat promptly picked up the Infishity Gauntlet and became Thanos Bee so now they're on the list of potential suspects, OH NO!

written by Carmes

A group of flying robots were seen firing lasers at famous monuments around Dreem Lend. The Dreem Lend Police Force are finding their origin to shut down the robots. People believe Baika Kerbi was behind this

written by Reali

Recently, an anonymous person /*`-^`|\ showed their ability to literally break news.000
How they do it is unclear, but it |`0000| seems to involve punching a hole into the article.
They have opted to demonstrate \ +.,_a i/ the ability using this article. 00000000000000
The text has been spaced to prevent loss of content.
written by Carmes

There has been a protest of 400,000 outside of the Dreem Lend Government Beelding to ban waffles (for some unknown reason). The government have not said anything about it.

written by Apple the Cat

The popular Text Based GChat Forums are planning to distance themselves from Scartch after a poll revealed the unanimous support of moving away from the childrens' programming site. Though we could not talk to the Scartch Team members about this, we're sure they're very happy to cut ties with a site they don't even have on their URL whitelist.

written by Shef Kerbi

Shef Kerbi Game Studios announced over Christmas their new console: the Shefbox Series S. It's predicted to be 50 times more powerful than all the last generation consoles combined (in terms of power consumption), comes with a fridge and is predicted to cost around $1000. The steep price has gone unfavorably with some people, though Shef Kerbi Gane Studios believes that the games that will be on it will more than make up for the high upfront cost.

written by Apple the Cat

The opening of the amazing sandwich shop in the area of the intersection of Broadway and Kings Street has been delayed after Santa crashed into a nearby power line, causing a fire which eventually spread to the Sandwich Oil tanks and caused an explosion leading to 256 civilian casualties, at which point the number of casualties thankfully overflowed to zero. Unfortunately, the building was very damage, and then POLPCAT returned to the land of the living and kicked the remains of the building until it exploded. In addition, the knocking over of the power line caused SKNN to delay the bulletin for Christmas that was definitely finished. The building will be rebuilt soon.

written by Carmes

The Dreem Lend Police reported yesterday that of people across Dreem Lend have disappeared at the same time, including but not limited to:

* Mexican Ghost Dad, Hen Weigh, The Cat in the Back, the giraffe (from Mexican Ghost Dad movies)
* Kreestan Baul, 60 evil kumquats, and 5 robot ones (from Batman vs. Evil Kumquats movies)
* Pacman and Gernfald's graves
* Linda Muncher, Professor Gourd-oh (if he is alive or not) and 5 students of Dreem Lend University
* A burger with clock eyes from Keynsun DDDO's clock ads
* Sam Wich, Ted (a random guy from Burlington) and 2 builders of the Burlington sandwich shop
* The guy who ate a sandwich in SKNN'S first ever issue
* Sunburn Ern and Bob Speedrunners (from the last issue)
* Thy N. Guhwon
* TSM_Liquid_FaZe_Ninja, Bob Bright (also from the last issue), Generic Person and Facts Man

People think either Thanos, Thanos Cat or Baika Kerbi made them dissapear.

written by Apple the Cat

The SCP Foundation (Ghost editor's note: "That's the peanut thing, right? With that one doctor whose name starts with a C? I think I know what you're talking about") recently experienced a huge data leak in which the full files of ██ recently discovered anomalous objects, as well as countless other classified documents, were released on the internet. Thankfully for them, none of the ███ leaked documents were read by anyone, as, according to one person who read the file names, "none of them were in Series 1." Due to a phenomenon that will probably be given its own SCP number at some point, literally no one cares about any SCPs after SCP-999, except for, in the words of ████ ███████ (Ghost editor's note: "Whoops I'm using a black highlighter lol"), "okay, maybe besides that one with the IKEA and stuff, that was pretty rad." We predict that the SCP Foundation will be pretty mad at us for immortalizing this news on a totally safe GitHub page that probably doesn't probably violate some terms somewhere.

Now I don't wanna give my own opionion but...


Christmas Ham after Christmas Ham now 40% off

So we told you Shef Kerbi News Network fans on our Scratch page that you could post anything with the #SKNN hashtag and you could end up in our paper! In this episode, we'll respond to some of your feedback with the new SKNN format, as well as show some of your cool stuff!

We began this issue's section with

Carmes (Shef Werld Team)

I recently got yeeted out of the TBGs on an iPad!

And here were your responses:

Little Timmy wrote:

Little Timmy

"GOOD DAY, LOSERS. Why is everything so big?! I decide to look at onto latest Shef Kerbi article and now what do I see but some flash advertisement and 'Junior Jumble' taking up my entire television AND fieldofvision! Why would you allow this?! ... Actually? You know what? HOW ABOUT I'M CALLING MY LAWYER RIGHT NOW BECAUSE OF YOU! HELLO? LAWYER? ... WELL, COMPLICATIONS HAVE JUST OCCURRED, MY LAWYER IS NO LONGER MY LAWYER, AND ALSO REEKS OF FISH LAIN OUT IN THE SUN FOR A CENTURY. GOOD DAY, LOSERS."

Okay so go to the settings menu, then click on graphics and there should be an option to adjust your FOV. Crank that up to like 300 or something and you should be able to see like a fish (I think, I remember hearing that fish can see 360º but I haven't been to school in 9 years so don't quote me on that[1] ).

orion28364 wrote:


"Ok seriously it's been like a month and everyone still just thinks I'm roleplaying, can someone help me"

I mean you could always try calling Satte Fram NOT State Farm and claim your house got flooded or something and from there you can say that you're stuck in an RP. Always works; people will take you more seriously if you tell them your house flooded.

xc1 wrote:


I don't understand.

If you would like to submit your own opionion for Shef Kerbi, just go to our social media, on Twitter, Instagram or Scartch.
But prefably Scratch because that's what everyone uses


by Apple the Cat

Candy Sadness #22

written by Zeke Teddy

Today's weather is still cold. Yay Christmas. Max -4, min -13

Tomorrow it'll be snowing so that's a thing, max -3 and min -11


Shef Kerbi News Network follows the guidelines and conventions set by the 1984 High Quality News Act of Dreem Lend, which states that any news published is to be of a high quality, is to remain unbiased and to show all sides of a news report, does not attack anyone, and protects the privacy of people whose identities don't want to be revealed.

If you would like to file a complaint regarding content use, please message SKNN through our Scratch account. We also have a Twitter and Instagram account if you prefer.

Shef Kerbi News Network respects the ancestors of Cappy Town, and understands that they are the reason why Dreem Lend exists.

Shef Kerbi News Network is proud to be a subsidiary of Shef Werld

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