March 21st, 2020
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$5.00 | ~8 ghost dollars | ⭐25 coins
Does not include potential cost from surprise mechanics (they're not lootboxes so it's not illegal!!!), purchases from Shef Kerbi's Apparel or preordering the Special Edition
Due to recent technical issues we've observed, there's a chance that some things may not be working. There have been concerns however of tampering of Shef Werld's servers from an outside source, which is currently under investigation.
Songs From Shef Werld: NEW SINGLE DROPPING SOON
The latest Micropop Songs From Shef Werld single is coming out soon. Look out for the Me And The Pee remix... eventually, I guess. To be honest, it's not really done yet.
APPLE'S TECHNOLOGY AND DESIGN CORNER: Episode 12
We at SKNN are never one to step down to, uh, something. So today, we would like to introduce a new element to Apple's Technology and Design Corner, Applez Techz Reviewz! Don't worry, the traditional reports will still happen, too! Today on Applez Techz Reviewz, we're reviewing the Juicero! Forget forgetting your tote! The Juicero is the trendiest juicer (probably) that's on the market (probably). Just get the juicer set up, connect it to the internet, buy one of these inconspicuous packets, put it in, pay for the app on your phone, connect it to the juicer, press the button, and...it isn't working. Get me some Flex Tape!
So yeah, I guess that's what happens when you get your kitchen equipment out of a dumpster. That's how Shef Kerbi pays the bills, by the way. Our building is 100% recycled material! It's pretty easy when someone throws away a building. Really! Someone just left a building! All we had to do was unplug some machines and throw away some documents about "titan point" or something. Anyway, the Juicero gets a 4 out of 10, too much water.
In other news, sentient robot assistants are fortunately falling out of fashion, and many used assistants are being sold over the internet. I mean, not like I'd care or anything. *sniff*
REALI FINDS A RECIPE
You will need:
- A slice of soft bread
- An apple
- Some strawberry jelly
1) Cut the soft bread and apple into chunks, then combine with the strawberry jelly.
HUNDREDS OF PEOPLE REAPEAR
The disappearance of many Dreem Lend residents from last year has finally been explained: They were planning a surprise birthday party for Shef Kerbi. Unfortunately, Shef Kerbi's birthday was not coming soon, and he only goes to his house on his birthday with the hopes that someone will be planning a surprise birthday party for Shef Kerbi. The missing people were discovered by Apple the Cat, who totally wasn't doing anything sketchy like breaking into Kerbi's house. Here's an excerpt of the improvised interview, which was creepily emailed to Apple the Cat days after the incident.
Apple: *jumps back* Oh sh-oot!
Linda Muncher: Hey, I know you!
Apple: What the he-ck are you doing here!? Wait, you're the missing people, right?
Clockeyes: We're here for the surprise party. I'm a talking burger.
TSM_Liquid_FaZe_Ninja: Me too!
Apple: Surprise party? What, for me?
Facts Man: No, idiot. It's for Kerbi.
Apple: Alright, whatever. Can you guys leave? Kerbi's birthday isn't until-
An evil kumquat: What are you doing here?
Apple: CAN'T A GUY GET SOME PRIVACY!? HMM HMM HM HM-
Among the missing people were Apple's reports from the previous SKNN issue. The identity of the emailer has not been uncovered, though they're probably a hacker from a hacker website like Reddit or Discord.
UNIVERSE CHANGE LOG 1.8.3d
The universe was recently updated to version 1.8.3d. Here is the change log:
- Elephants have been added
- Damage caused by flinging soap has been decreased to no longer one-shot people
- Fixed your issue
- Increased chicken sight radius
- Removed the "ridable" tag from Shef Kerbi
- Elephants have been removed
- Moths with broken wings have had their wings repaired
- All spiders have had their limbs reattached
Donald Spokesperson calls Yellowstone supervolcano "stupid, unepic"
The US government has just announced a plan to nuke the Yellowstone Caldera. The plan, which was drunkenly drafted last night, has been chosen to initiate sometime in the second half of 2020. "Honestly, I think we should nuke the thing sooner," America spokesperson Donald Spokesperson says. "Why didn't we think of this before?"
In response to this, the Yellowstone Caldera has hired Carmes Inc. to install a force field around the mountain. The installation will cost approximately 5 gazillion dollars, and will take about a decade to complete. (Ghost editor's note: "With just -9.5 years to spare!") Carmes Inc. has relocated 200% of its staff to work on the project, with the Caldera threatening that he'll "erupt or something if [Carmes Inc.] make[s him] pay for it." Unfortunately, with only -100% of Carmes Inc's staff working on the force field at the radical sandwich building in the area of the intersection of Broadway and King Street in Burlington, it collapsed onto the building. The ghost builders are very excited to walk through walls, disappear, and fly, with the exception of the two missing builders who are not ghosts. When the organizer of the project was asked by Carmes Inc if they wanted a new force field constructed, the organizer reportedly said "heck no" before floating through a wall.
ELEPHANT MUSEUM OPENED
Since the universe was updated, an elephant museum was built near Natuur Nokh. It was built in one second (because some activated a device to speed up time in a certain area), and houses over 40,000 elephants.
Edit: Apparently they have now been removed. We are demolishing the now-empty museum tomorrow (although it will take 2 seconds though)
2019 PARASITUS UPDATES
People with 2019 parasitus are experiencing a new phase of the parasite: All affected calendars are now displaying the number 2020. Local clock cleaner Keynsun DDDO would like to note that 2019 parasitus had not asked for permission to use the Keynsun DDDO's Clock Cleaning Service For Only $20.20 Minus 21 Cents Per Clock Cleaned Order Today brand, and that he plans to take the parasite to court over the matter. The significance and implications of this update to the calendar parasite are currently unknown.
WORLD WAR SNAIL AND STICK BEGINS
The war between the glorious Great Mountain Snail and Keyn DDDD's amazing assistant Ifvffhreferhf has recently escalated into a world war, causing other parts of popstah that aren't dreemlend such as those other parts of popstah that aren't dreemlend to get involved in the matter. The war, as of now, has been named "World War Snail And Stick", causing another war in the process due to it not being named "World War Stick And Snail".
"bird noises," comments former Great Mountain resident Mistius Birb Dinerblade on the war, "angry political bird noises!"
In an attempt to bolster their armies for the war, both the Great Mountain Snail and Ifvffhreferhf began to draft residents of Dreemlend and not Dreemlend, both of which drafting the same people causing everybody to just start punching themselves.
So far, the outcome of this war is extremely uncertain, but we will continue to update this story as it continues to unfold.
DINNERBLADE HAS A TWIN BROTHER
A bird that looks similar to Mistus Dinnerblade has been seen attempting to rescue him from Carmes Inc's forcefields surrounding the World War Stick and Snail fighters. We interviewed him and he said his name is 'Sir Lunchblade'. We have no idea why he's called that.
Now I don't wanna give my own opionion but...
OPIONION WITH SHEF KERBI
So we told you Shef Kerbi News Network fans on our Scratch page that you could post anything with the #SKNN hashtag and you could end up in our paper! p-p-p-p-p-p-post time
We began this issue's section with
Kawsaki do be dancing tho
*Snail and Stick War (or Stick and Snail War I guess, either name is very controversial)
Definetly been an interesting thing to witness - I really should go talk to Keyn DDDD about this sometime since it's quite the situation
I think that "elephants" are an urban myth. Where's the proof of it? Kerbipedia's got nothing on it, and I haven't seen any photographic footage of an "elephant".
If you would like to submit your own opionion for Shef Kerbi, just go to our social media, on Twitter, Instagram or Scartch.
But prefably Scratch because that's what everyone uses
by Apple the Cat
by CrazeePi's Disembodied Voice, Carmes and Apple the Cat
A random image from a previous SKNN issue has been corrupted! This is the image:
Can you guess what the image is and which issue it is from?
ANIME COSMETICS SCRAMBLE:
Answers for the scrambled words:
- Pig Soop
- Thanos Bee
- Kerb Pops
The answer for the activity was Lipstick.
The answer for Apple the Cat's actiivty was "i'll be"
Today's weather will be tough! Forecast shows rain and snow all week, with temperatures near zero and several weeks of snow! #Punch Drunk Friday pic.twitter.com/3QSyN0u36L — MSU Football (@MSUFootball) November 26, 2016
Will the big game be at Michigan's Big House? Stay tuned.
Obviously, two teams can fight it out at any venue for a spot in the title game. This is the rivalry that made both of them one of the strongest in college football history, and we can't wait for the Dec.
THANK YOU FOR WATCH. PLEASE TUN E IN NEXT TIME FOR MORE NESW
Shef Kerbi News Network follows the guidelines and conventions set by the 1984 High Quality News Act of Dreem Lend, which states that any news published is to be of a high quality, is to remain unbiased and to show all sides of a news report, does not attack anyone, and protects the privacy of people whose identities don't want to be revealed.
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